Back to Me: Recovery Reflections

The writing prompt for next Wednesday’s sessions is: Creeping Doubt

Think it through with logic and reason. Make a pros and cons list. Confirm that you’ve tried everything possible to bring about change. Review the evidence and see that there really is only one reasonable conclusion.

The above paragraph belongs to your conscious mind. Unfortunately, you have a subconscious, too, that is not always working in your favor. Sometimes, your subconscious defies logic.

Please write about the battle between what you know to be true and the creeping doubt that won’t leave you alone.

Yes yes, this topic was made for me. I know that I am an educated, intelligent, compassionate woman that can spread my knowledge of the English language and academic writing to teenagers that hate reading and do it in a way that is fun and energetic. I know I can do this. With the right preparation. The creeping doubt comes in and tells me that nothing I do at work is good enough. Of course, the school system doesn’t hurt that quest either. My therapist said I was transitioning this week and it was rough. I know it’s eight days into the school year. I am on the struggle bus. Paddling like a duck’s underwater, and maybe a little above water too. Our student numbers are low. 

My teammate is in danger of being reassigned, and hopefully it’s just for a few classes over to another department and not to another school. We just found our rhythm in working together last March. We make a good team. The fact is, 100% of our students hit their growth goal for the year. That’s never happened in my short history of teaching multilingual learners. Taking him away feels a little like punishing us for a job well done. Those are facts. I know those are true. I know I am an effective teacher. My subconscious defies logic when I tell myself at 3 am that I suck. I tell myself at 3pm that I’m disorganized, sloppy, a poor dresser, and kind of a mess that hasn’t peed in seven hours. The facts are my basic needs aren’t being met. I let too much of myself go to other people. Those are facts. Subconscious creeps in when I’m tired, I know this. 

Creeping doubt sets in that I’m not a good partner for anyone. Creeping doubt sets in when I convince myself that I am messy, and don’t iron my clothes and have papers left on my desk from last Tuesday. Convinced that productivity and business will cure me of my doubt. When I am productive, I am not thinking about how bad I am at life. Creeping doubt tells me I’m not good enough for a relationship, and would be better off alone. Creeping doubt tells me I’m a failure if I do stay in an unhappy relationship. Creeping doubt tells me I’m crazy for wanting someone to understand me for me after a long hard day of work. Creeping doubt tells me no one wants to hear that mess. Creeping doubt tells me I like nothing and nothing likes me. I don’t have any real hobbies that are worthwhile. Those aren’t the facts. But what are they? 

A big creeping doubt is my lack of children. People make sure I get put in my place for that one. Reminded daily of my lack of humanity because I’m not a mother. Fuck them. Pardon me. Fuck all of them.

The fact is I’ve shrunk myself so much. I’ve shrunk myself so I believe that I’m nothing. When I try to tell myself otherwise I get nowhere. What is the big idea? How do we stop the constant creeping doubt? Any suggestions? 

I hope I can come up with the right words.

I hope I can tell myself there’s hope.

This is really just a rambing of my thoughts today.

Be kind to your teacher friends out there. It’s rough.

Navigating the shitshow we call life. One zoom meeting at a time.

The pandemic killed us. In more ways than one.

The creeping doubt that I will never be who I want to be and do what I want to do.

The creeping doubt that I will never know what I am supposed to know.

Sooooo much imposter syndrome.

The solid fact that my friends (this group) are always here for me.

Is that enough?

It will have to be.

The creeping doubt that just isn’t true, and I am meant to be alone.

I will have to be OK with whatever is thrown my way.